Self-care has turned into a commercialized excuse for going shopping. But, I think there’s some merit to it. Self-care is remembering to treat yourself, shower love on yourself the way you would on a partner, be patient with yourself like you would with a friend, etc., etc.

When it comes to pleasure, self-care means pleasuring yourself the way you would pleasure a lover. Pull out all the stops. Worship your body, set the mood (I know you’ve bought those expensive candles for #selfcare), and make yourself feel good.

And yet, while most of the women in my circles are happy to engage in casual sex with semi-strangers, so many of them are unfamiliar with the idea of having sex with themselves. But, that’s not their fault—it’s the patriarchy! So basically, in order to fight the patriarchy, I need every woman to buy themselves a sex toy. Or, for self-care purposes, whichever excuse sounds better to you. Here’s how to do it.

1. Analyze Your Orgasm

Think about the last orgasm you had with a partner (or if you’ve never had an orgasm, think about the last time you really felt good during sex). Was your partner sucking on your clitoris? Were you being penetrated from behind? Think long and hard (pun intended) about what kind of movements or actions your body enjoys. This will help you determine what kind of toy you may enjoy as well.

2. Do Your Research

Once you’re armed with the knowledge of what you like, it’s time to see what kind of toys can give you that pleasure. Here’s a rough list of four basic toy categories to start with:

Vibrators: For vibrational pleasure

This is probably the most common and popular toy category for people with vaginas. Some vibrators are made to be put inside of you, and some are meant to be held against your clit, nipples, etc. Many vibrators can be used on both areas—and you can feel free to get creative (a vibrator can totally double as a massage wand after a particularly grueling gym sesh).

If you like vibes, try The Bumpy Ride, $56 (USE ASHLEY 25 for 25% OFF)

Dildos: For receiving penetrative pleasure

While most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone, some do! Or, some women prefer both penetrative and clitoral stimulation to reach the big “O” (in my opinion, doing both helps mimic the feelings your body has during partnered sex). Dildos are a pretty basic sex toy if you want one that doesn’t vibrate. They also make double-headed dildos for double penetration, or you can try a rabbit vibrator (have you seen that episode of Sex And The City?) which is a dildo with an attachment that hits your clit effortlessly. Most standard dildos have a suction at the bottom, so you can stick it to your floor and get on top, or stick it to your wall and back up on it. This leaves your hands free for other fun activities!

If you like dildos, try The Semi-Sweet Tart, $39(USE ASHLEY 25 for 25% OFF)

Suction Toys: For clitoral pleasure

Do you get your rocks off the most when your partner is giving you head? Then you’ll probably want a suction-type toy that mimics the motion of someone licking or sucking on your clitoris. Some toys, like the one I’ve linked below, also have a penetrative attachment that you can choose to use if you’d like.

If you like clitoral sucking, try The Flick It, $71(USE ASHLEY 25 for 25% OFF)

Masturbator Cup/Strokers: For people with penises who like to penetrate!

Although admittedly, I’ve mostly written this article for the ladies, I won’t neglect people with penises! If you feel best when you’re sticking your junk into someone else’s junk, you should probably try a toy that falls in the category of masturbator cups/strokers. You might know these as “pocket pussys” but I hate that name and think it carries too much stigma—nobody should be ashamed about using sex toys!

If you like penetrating, try The Vortex(USE ASHLEY 25 for 25% OFF)

3. When In Doubt, Start With The Basics

If all of the toys I just listed made you even more intimidated, don’t stress. I think a vibrator would be a great starting point for any girl (or person TBH). Try this “Under the Radar” vibrator as a starter toy. While it’s designed for potential partner play (think the vibrating panty scene from The Ugly Truth), it definitely can be just as enjoyable with solo play. I think this toy is especially great for beginner’s because of the shape—you could totally just place this toy on your bed and then sit on it in whatever way feels good, so you can have your hands free! It’s also water-proof and designed to be discreet (aka quiet), which is always nice if you have roommates and prefer to play in the shower for privacy reasons.

BUY THE UNDER THE RADAR TOY

4. Accessorize

Even if you’ve got a WAP, silicone and synthetic materials work differently in/on your body than human skin. If you’re dabbling in penetration (whether giving or receiving) you might want to purchase some lube. Warming lube is nice because sometimes toys can feel cold (since there’s no body heat behind them).

If you’re new to masturbating, or looking for a 2022 refresh to your routine, I think self-pleasure should be just as exciting as partnered pleasure. Buy yourself some fancy lingerie, nipple clamps, a silk robe, whatever will make you feel sexy and enhance the experience. You deserve it!

5. Try Things On For Size

Think of your sex toy journey kind of like your dating journey—you might deal with a few duds. You don’t have to commit to the first vibrator you buy if it’s way too intense for you. Feel free to try out different toys to see what your body responds to. Just because your best friend swears by one toy doesn’t mean it’s going to be a fit for you! If you’re still struggling to find what works, head to your local sex-positive sex shop (you can find one near you at progressivepleasureclub.com) and have an expert help you pick one out!

I hope this guide was helpful! If you have any more questions, feel free to comment below or shoot me a message! You can shop more gender fluid sex toys at evolvedworld.com!

Use coupon code Ashley25 for 25% off your first order from evolvedworld.com

Thank you to Evolved World for sponsoring this post!

Let’s talk about the best sex toys to buy your girlfriend (or just the girl you’ve been having fun with)…

Some guys tend to see sex toys in a negative light. It’s like they think sex toys are going to replace their dicks and they’ll remain celibate for the rest of their days. Well, dudes, if a sex toy can replace you, then you probably need to work on your sex game (but that’s a story for another day).

I don’t think any girl has ever worried that a blow-up sex doll or an AutoBlow is going to replace her. Can an AutoBlow look up at you seductively while it sucks you? Can a blow-up doll get on top and send you sexy selfies while you’re at work? Probs not (at least not yet, anyway). 

I don’t know if that did anything to help you get over your fear of sex toys, but as they would say to boys in America, “put your big boys pants on and get over it.” No, seriously, your girl will thank you and you’ll stop having to work as hard in bed to get your partner off.

Now, I don’t know your current situation. Maybe you’re looking for a toy to spice things up since you and your boo have been having lazy sex in sweat pants all spring and it’s getting kind of old. Maybe your girl is quarantined with the fam in Minnesota and you want to send her a surprise. Maybe you’re single and lonely AF, so you want to make sure when life goes back to normal and you can fornicate again, you’re going to knock it out of the park.

Whatever it is, here are some toys that would be great for you to buy with your girl and use together (or, some she can use alone when you guys are apart, too—I promise it’ll make her more excited to see you, it won’t make her not need you anymore). Here are the best sex toys to buy your girlfriend:

1. If you’re into a lil public play:

Wearable Clit Vibrator, 10 Speeds, $24.99

On one hand, you probably shouldn’t be going to a restaurant right now. On the other hand, if you’re going to anyways, this might be an opportune time to experiment with some public play? Most likely there will be less people around, and chances are you and your partner could use some—er—socializing.

Have you ever seen the scene in that movie The Ugly Truth where Katherine Heigl wears vibrating panties to a work dinner and has an orgasm at the table? Yeah, this will be kind of like that, but better (and less likely to earn you a talk with HR). Best Vibe offers an option with 10 different speeds, plus a mechanism that clips inside of the wearer’s panties so that there aren’t any slippery situations.

BUY IT HERE

2. If your babe doesn’t usually like vibrators:

I’ve written a full review of VUSH’s The Empress toy here, and it’s still one of my favorite toys to this day. If, like me, your girl isn’t typically into vibrators, she might like this. Instead of a traditional “buzzing” sensation, it’s more of a sucking/pulsing sensation. And, unlike other similar toys, this one is small enough that you could totally use it during penetrative sex and not just foreplay (or solo play). It also has eight settings and is waterproof!

You can use my code GIOV for 20% off The Empress! BUY IT HERE

3. If you want to try anal, but your boo is hesitant:

Luxury Jewelry Design Stainless Steel Butt Plug Set, $13.95

There are a lot of common mistakes that straight men when it comes to anal sex. Aside from the obvious need for lube, you also have to remember that the butthole is not built to stretch out to accommodate a baby at any point in its life—and probably not to fit your you-know-what either. So, if you’re trying to warm your girl up to the idea of butt stuff, you have to warm her booty up too.

Pretty butt plugs like this always seem like a good way to make butt stuff fun (and aesthetic) IMO. Also a small anal vibe or dildo would be a good thing to work with before trying to get you (and your dongle) involved. Lastly, even if you don’t specifically buy something for her butt, using a vibrator on her clitoris is also a good thing to try to distract her from what you’re doing to her booty.

BUY IT HERE

4. If you want to blow her mind:

LuLu 11 Upgraded Personal Wand Massager with Memory, $36.95

Talk to any guy, and they’ll say that their girlfriend/partner/playmate/whatever is OBSESSED with their magic wand vibe. Weirdly, none of my girlfriends (nor myself) choose a magic wand vibe as our favorite sex toy, but maybe I just don’t hang with that kind of crew? I actually just don’t like super intense vibrations, but a lot of women do! In fact, a study by the New York Times found that a magic wand massager was “the only toy…that could consistently bring [their testers] to an intense climax.” They also noted that, “Academic research studies have found that prescribing [this type of toy] is one of the most effective therapies for women who struggle w/ chronic anorgasmia.”

Magic wand vibes are ideal for a girl who really likes intense vibrations and perhaps has trouble orgasming (you will be most likely using the toy on her clitoris, FYI). Just make sure to be in touch with your partner about how intense she wants the vibrations, and when to apply the pressure and get rid of it (she might get sensitive down there post-o).

BUY IT HERE – You can use my code ASHLEY for 10% off

5. If you’re long distance, or you want a tighter fit during sex:

We-Vibe Chorus App and Remote Control Couple’s Vibrator

Are you tired of Facetime-ing with shitty connection and hushed dirty talk so your roommate doesn’t hear you from the other room? WeVibe is your go-to toy destination for long-distance loving. 

Their products are all designed to be used with their bluetooth-enabled app so that you and your partner can “control” each other’s toys from afar (although they work just as great together). They even have an in-app video chat platform to be used with the toys.

The Chorus is their most classic toy, and when you’re together it’s designed to be worn by your partner during PIV sex. This obviously works better for some couples vs. others depending on your bodies. If you already have trouble fitting inside your partner, this probably won’t work well for you. If you would like a tighter fit though, it could be just the toy you need to satisfy your needs and also get your partner off with some clitoral vibrations. Or, something to make you feel more connected to your partner while she climaxes from afar.

BUY IT HERE

Something that’s been on my mind lately: Why do we pull out all the stops for sex with others, but not for sex with ourselves?

I’m partnering with Vush to break the stigma around female sexuality and remind ya’ll that you deserve to feel good. And since it’s more taboo for women to masturbate for some reason, we might not have as much “practice” as we need to figure out what feels good. I’m speaking from experience, too, so recently I’ve decided to make it a point to take some of the things I love about sex and apply them to self-love sessions too.

Here are some of my tips for making sure your self-love time is just as mind-blowing as partner loving—or maybe even more so.

1. Get All Dolled Up

Yes, sometimes sweatpants can be sexy, but one of my favorite things about going out on dates is taking a long shower, lotioning up my body, and carefully selecting everything that goes on my body. Try dressing up in something that makes you feel sexy and admiring yourself in the mirror before you get started.

2. Don’t Forget the Foreplay

You don’t like when a partner skips kissing and immediately tries to get their hands in your pants, right? So, why would you do that to yourself? Take time exploring your body with your hands (or with The Empress, eventually). Or, just take time absorbing anything you might be watching or reading as part of your foreplay. Personally, I find it more fun when I’m already super turned on before even touching myself. 

3. Find a Toy That Works for You (And Don’t Be Afraid To Be a Lil’ Goldilocks-Like)

I have a confession: I don’t really like traditional vibrators. They seem to nearly always be a bit too much for me. I’m sensitive. I prefer using my fingers as a DIY vibrator, so even though I get to try tons of fun toys for work, I always end up going back to what God gave me (my hands).

But this actually changed when I had the chance to try The Empress by Vush. It’s not a vibrator, it’s more of a suction designed to “suck” and apply pressure to your clitoris. Like a vibrator, there are multiple settings (8 levels of fun pleasure). Because I like things more chill, I usually stick to the first setting and sometimes work my way up a few before going back down. It also is 100% waterproof if you want to use it in the bathtub or shower. Plus one thing I love most about The Empress is that it is USB rechargeable! Makes life so much easier without having to find replacement batteries all the time.

I highly recommend trying this The Empress by Vush because it’s likely different than any other toys you’ve tried and designed specifically for the female body (and the place where the female body has the most sensitive nerve-endings). Like I said, toys aren’t usually my thing, and this is the only one I find myself reaching for regularly. If you want to try it, you can use my code GIOV for 20% off.

4. Give Yourself Time to Absorb All the Good Vibrations

One of the most underrated parts of great sex in my opinion? Post-coitus when you’re cuddling and recapping how amazing everything was—just lying there and taking it all in, not immediately reaching for your phone or worrying about what you have to do that day, etc. Try doing this after masturbation, okay? I get that you can’t exactly cuddle with yourself, but you can totally fetal position or sprawl out on the bed, and just absorb how you feel, etc. Think of it almost as a post-masturbation meditation. Chilling out is good!

5. Keep It Clean

Just like you want your partner to have good hygiene, you want your toys to be in tip-top shape. After use, make sure to thoroughly wash The Empress. You can use simple soap and water (yes, it’s waterproof), or you can snag a specialized toy cleaner at your local sex shop or on Amazon.

Seriously, I’m challenging you to take your self-love up a notch and try implementing these tips into your self-love routine. It’s way better than watching Netflix, I promise.

Use my code GIOV for 20% off The Empress at Vush. SHOP HERE.