I’m only halfway through my two-week trip to Thailand, and I want to go home.

It’s not because I got food poisoning or had a nasty fight with the friend I’m traveling with (although it can definitely be taxing traveling with someone as an introvert). Thailand is absolutely lovely — and much better than DC in February — but I can’t help but feeling anxious and a little down.

The problem is that, although the little voice in the back of my head is saying it wants to go home, the other voice in my head is saying, “you don’t really have a home.”

I started feeling a little tired and burnt out from traveling last month. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but prior to my Thailand trip, I was partially dreading it. I waited until the last day to pack (something that’s normal for most people, but very odd for me). I hardly did any itinerary planning. I could barely find the energy to do anything. I knew that when I returned from Thailand, I needed to put down some roots and chill out on the jet-setting.

And yet, I can’t help but cringe at that last statement. Like, oh my gosh, can you say #firstworldproblems? Did you really just use the term “jet-setting?”

But I’m trying to stop beating myself up for feeling how I’ve been feeling, because generally that only makes things worse. Instead, I’m trying to accept my feelings, discuss them openly, and then address the underlying issues (hence, this blog post, probably).

So, if you’re not rolling your eyes yet, here it goes:

When I left New York in August of 2017, my goal was to do some soul-searching in the form of traveling and to freelance full-time.

It was surprisingly easy to find enough freelance gigs to match (and eventually, exceed) the monthly income I had at my previous full-time gig (although, to be fair, it was only $2000 after taxes). After waiting around to recover from surgery in January of 2018, I started taking some trips.

I felt like I had met my goals with relatively few hiccups, and I felt great and so, so happy. I was seeing new places, meeting new people, and still finding the time to get work done wherever I went. 2018 was probably one of the best years of my life thus far, even with the medical complications I dealt with and the losses of some people I really cared about.

That’s why it was even more confusing (and tbh, annoying) when I started feeling that pang of anxiety and sadness again. While I initially tried blaming outside sources, I realized that a lot of it probably came from within me.

But I don’t really think it’s fair to use the word blame, because I know these feelings are natural and a sign that I’m ready for a transition in my life. Unfortunately, I’m a control freak, and taking the next step when I can’t see exactly what it is (or what it “should” be) scares the shit out of me.

When I left New York, I moved my stuff back into my parents’ place with the hopes I wouldn’t be home much. Once I started traveling, that was exactly the case. Of the past six months, I’ve probably only been home for at least six weeks max. While that’s been great for my passport and my Instagram content, it made my returns “home” not feel like returning home at all. Instead, my room felt like a storage unit, an area where I laid out my suitcase and clothes while preparing for my next trip.

I felt like one of those people who jumps from relationship to relationship, trying to fill the void — but instead of hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend, I was hopping from country to country.

Of course, I have no regrets. And Belize will never break my heart like some dude named Brad could’ve, but my latest fantasy revolves less around exploring new places and more around creating a place of my own. I bought an adorable devil-horned elephant sculpture from a store near my hotel in Chiang Mai, and I can’t wait until I can plan my entire (future) apartment’s décor around it. I’m ready to start investing the time (and money) into creating a place that I am proud to call home — I’m just not totally sure where that will be yet.

The last year has been amazing, and to some, being a full-time digital nomad might be their ultimate dream or goal. I’m not totally ruling it out as mine. Being a more “traditional” nomad and renting apartments in foreign countries for months sounds a lot saner than hopping from place to place for 5-14 days at a time (which is what I’d been doing all year).

Something I finally came to terms with in Thailand is that one of my favorite things to do while traveling is simply finding a cool café and doing work there. Whenever people asked me questions like, “what did you do in Madrid?” I had trouble coming up with an answer, because on most days I just chose which vegan restaurant I wanted to visit, walked the 20-40 minutes to get there, did some more wandering, and eventually found a good coffee shop to get work done in.

As much as I hate to admit it, the truest version of myself craves routine. That’s partially why I loved having work (and school) to ground me while doing all of this traveling within the last year. While I definitely see myself continuing to travel, and continuing to work towards a career that gives me flexibility, I need to take my time and spend longer in one place. I need to stop running towards an unclear destination and more clearly plan a path that feels good to keep drifting down.

After all, having a trip to look forward to can do wonders for my mood, but when I’ve started to look forward to going home instead, that’s when I figure it’s time to reevaluate my priorities.

I don’t know what my next steps are, but I think that sitting down and taking the time to figure out what my new goals are, and then working towards them, will help to alleviate the way I’ve been feeling. I was planning on doing this after my trip anyway, but I’ve realized that there’s no time like the present!

In the meantime, while I really did seriously consider changing my flight and heading home early, the $800 I’d have to pay convinced me to sit with the idea a little longer. I’m going to try my best to be true to myself during this last week in Thailand. Knowing myself, that means more days like today, walking to vegan cafes with my laptop after finding a yoga class to pop in to (Satva Yoga in Chiang Mai was great). I’m sure I’ll miss some tourist attractions and nights out at bars, but I’m happiest when I’m doing the shit I want to do, not the shit that I’m “supposed” to want to do.

I’ve also started using BetterHelp, a platform with a bunch of therapists that you can chat with, schedule phone calls with, or Skype with — and will definitely be writing a review in the future!

If you’re a fellow digital nomad, I hope this post has been relatable. If you’re not, I hope this has made you realize that a life full of traveling isn’t always as glamorous as it seems — although to be fair, it is fun for a good while.

P.S. “El Dorado“ by Death Cab For Cutie came on in the vegan café I’m working out of (ImmAim Cafe) as I was finishing up this post, and I low-key teared up.

P.S.S. I didn’t feel like making the body of the post any longer with this, but of course I’m massively privileged to be able to have had the experiences I’ve had in the past year, and I don’t take that for granted. I really hope this doesn’t come off as #firstworldproblems or that I sound ungrateful, I just wanted to be honest with how I’ve been feeling with the hopes that other people could relate to it. Sometimes feeling unhappy when you have no real “reason” to be can make things even more complicated because you also feel guilty for not appreciating what you have!